14 April 1970

President Attempts Suicide!

The Objectivist Free Press
Just the Facts, since AD 66
14 April, 1865 
Washington, DC
A Sad Good Friday
by John Tagliaferro

President Abraham Lincoln is being treated in a secret, undisclosed, boarding house until he can be safely moved back to the White House for further treatment.  He and his wife, Mary Todd, were attending a performance of Our American Cousin at Ford's Theater, a frequent advertiser in this paper.

When interviewed, an upset and flamboyant thespian,  John Wilkes Booth, said he tried to thwart the attempt.  However, the President tossed him from the balcony box before Booth could wrestle the pistol from Lincoln's strong hands. He heard the shot just before hearing his own leg break as he impacted the floor below.

This reporters attempts to interview police officer John Frederick Parker have been fraught with frustration and a curious insistence by local tavern owner that The Objectivist pay the officer's extensive bar bill.

At the time of this writing, the President is resting in comfort.

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