The President is Dead

The Objectivist Free Press

Just the Facts, since AD 66

15 April, 1865 

Washington, DC
A Sad Saturday
by John Tagliaferro

President Abraham Lincoln's suicide attempt has proven fatal. He was pronounced dead at 7:22 this AM in the Peterson House, across the street from Ford's Theater.  Both are loyal advertisers to this paper.


Rumors of a murder conspiracy were quickly silenced by Surgeon General of the United States Army Dr. Joseph K. Barnes, who reassured all that the angle of entry was consistent with a suicide attempt by pistol.

A search is on for thespian, John Wilkes Booth, the only unaccounted for eyewitness.

Officer John Frederick Parker is also unaccounted for, despite a search of nearby houses of prostitution.

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President Attempts Suicide!

The Objectivist Free Press

Just the Facts, since AD 66

14 April, 1865 

Washington, DC
A Sad Good Friday
by John Tagliaferro

President Abraham Lincoln is being treated in a secret, undisclosed, boarding house until he can be safely moved back to the White House for further treatment.  He and his wife, Mary Todd, were attending a performance of Our American Cousin at Ford's Theater, a frequent advertiser in this paper.

When interviewed, an upset and flamboyant thespian,  John Wilkes Booth, said he tried to thwart the attempt.  However, the President tossed him from the balcony box before Booth could wrestle the pistol from Lincoln's strong hands. He heard the shot just before hearing his own leg break as he impacted the floor below.

This reporters attempts to interview police officer John Frederick Parker have been fraught with frustration and a curious insistence by local tavern owner that The Objectivist pay the officer's extensive bar bill.

At the time of this writing, the President is resting in comfort.

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John and Suki's news and comment area, from a Libertarian perspective.
Copyright 2009, 2010, SJE Enterprises, all rights reserved.