15 April 1970

The President is Dead

The Objectivist Free Press
Just the Facts, since AD 66
15 April, 1865 
Washington, DC
A Sad Saturday
by John Tagliaferro

President Abraham Lincoln's suicide attempt has proven fatal. He was pronounced dead at 7:22 this AM in the Peterson House, across the street from Ford's Theater.  Both are loyal advertisers to this paper.

Rumors of a murder conspiracy were quickly silenced by Surgeon General of the United States Army Dr. Joseph K. Barnes, who reassured all that the angle of entry was consistent with a suicide attempt by pistol.

A search is on for thespian, John Wilkes Booth, the only unaccounted for eyewitness.

Officer John Frederick Parker is also unaccounted for, despite a search of nearby houses of prostitution.

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